Gerhart’s Story

In her book “When We Are Together”, Teacher Marianne shares the story of Gerhart. My interaction with Gerhart began when I was leading a self-exploration group for young people aged fourteen to twenty. Gerhart, who was seventeen at the time, appeared to be a very sensitive and gentle young man. He constantly expressed feeling stuck, as if he couldn’t move forward, and this was reflected in his academic performance. He couldn't decide on a vocational path, yet he also lacked the motivation to continue his studies at the secondary school. Each week during our group therapy sessions, he brought up the same concerns. It wasn't until the final session, our sixth, that he found the courage to take action to address his issues.

He shared that, through several family constellation sessions we had done in the group, he had come to a realization—a turning point in his life. When Gerhart was two years old, his four-year-old brother died in a car accident. A bus lost control on an icy road and crashed into Gerhart’s family's car. His father was driving, with his mother and the two children in the back seat. The bus driver, who had children of his own, immediately admitted fault. Gerhart’s family was rushed to the hospital, and two days later, his brother passed away. Gerhart confessed that, for the first time in many years, he was now thinking about his brother. He felt ready to address the relationship he had with him.。 I asked Gerhart to select someone from the group to represent his brother, and then I guided him to position himself in relation to his brother. He stood about five feet away, his gaze fixed behind his brother. I told Gerhart and his brother’s representative that they could take as much time as needed to adjust their distance and positioning. Slowly, almost as if in slow motion, they moved closer together. Though it took them five to seven minutes to complete this movement, every member of the group quickly sensed what would happen next. The two embraced and began to cry. All the young people in the group were deeply moved, some sobbing openly, others quietly shedding tears. After a while, I noticed that Gerhart's right hand had formed a fist and was pressing against the back of his brother’s representative. In a moment so filled with love, why was there a clenched fist? I suspected that a hidden anger towards the bus driver was surfacing. I suggested that Gerhart include the driver in the constellation. He positioned the driver far away from the two brothers, then turned to face him, both hands now clenched. I told him that if someone is so closely tied to a deceased loved one, they are likely to remain connected to that person even after death. I added, "Everyone will eventually die, some sooner, some later. Even when death is caused by someone else, if we can honor the timing of that death, it can bring comfort to everyone." Next, I positioned the representative for the bus driver beside Gerhart’s brother’s representative, while Gerhart stood in front of them. Slowly, very slowly, as if being pulled by an invisible thread, Gerhart gradually raised one hand and extended it towards the bus driver’s representative. The two locked eyes, holding each other’s gaze for a long moment. Then, Gerhart turned back to his brother, embraced him with both arms, and said, "I am so sad, but I accept it now—you died that way, and I will always remember you in my heart." After that, he slowly stepped away from both of them. Teacher Marianne’s Key Message: Even when a sibling passes away, the bond between them remains strong. “Everyone will eventually die, some sooner, some later. Even when death is caused by someone else, if we can honor the timing of that death, it can bring comfort to everyone.”

Extracted from “When We Are Together” by Marianne Franke-Gricksch