Filial Piety: Not to Be Demanded

When Relationships Follow Their Natural Order, Everything Falls into Place For a child, parents are the closest figures who nurture and love them. When a child respects their parents, and love and care arise naturally from within, this creates a harmonious flow that feels comfortable for both. Seeing this title, you might be surprised: “Are you saying children shouldn’t be filial? Isn’t that against tradition?” Hold on—we’re here to talk about order. Order is the foundation of relationships; it’s what the Chinese call “seniority and sequence” and what the German psychotherapist Bert Hellinger emphasized in family constellation work as a core concept.

"Isn’t it only right and natural for children to be filial to their parents? Doesn’t that align with proper order?" Absolutely. But even the most natural responsibilities should be carried out with the right mindset. The parent-child relationship is a fundamental gift of life—our existence comes from our parents, and we grow through their care. This gift is precious, but it also brings emotional entanglements. We sometimes impose invisible chains on ourselves in the name of love. One of the most significant burdens parents place on their children is the expectation of love in return. But when love is demanded rather than given freely, it disrupts the natural order, making children feel uneasy. Relationships Are a Responsibility, Not a Right What does filial piety really mean? Is it the common belief that “I worked hard to raise you, so it’s only right for you to repay me by caring for me”? Or is it the deeper understanding that “Parents are the emotional foundation and the unconditional givers of love. A child naturally enjoys being close to their parents, and this bond happens effortlessly”? Parents have the responsibility to nurture and educate their children, but they do not have the right to demand filial piety. From this perspective, we must let go of the outdated mindset that raising children is a form of retirement security. Instead, we should respect our parents’ fate and, in turn, let our children respect our own life choices. Teacher Chou Ting Wen, the first person to introduce Hellinger’s systemic constellations to the Chinese-speaking world, pointed out that Confucianism, which deeply influences Chinese culture, emphasizes hierarchical relationships within the Five Cardinal Relationships (Wu Lun). Because of this, the concept of order (sequence) in systemic constellations resonates well with Chinese traditions.

However, there is a key difference: systemic constellations emphasize respect above all. Teacher Chou explains, “Like Confucianism, Hellinger’s system also values seniority and sequence. But Confucian traditions often overlook emotions, whereas systemic constellations originate from psychology and consider a person’s emotional well-being. When different expressions of love clash, systemic constellations help untangle emotional knots, leading to healthier relationships. Once these emotional struggles are resolved, the right order naturally emerges—without the need for any external interference.”

Respect Over Love: Keeping Emotions in Their Rightful Place Chou Ting Wen emphasizes that a key principle of healthy relationships is “respect is more important than love”. Many people love their parents excessively, but in ways that disrupt the natural order of the relationship. This often leads to a lecturing or dismissive tone when speaking to parents: "How could you not even understand this?" When the relationship is out of order, love can actually become destructive. Prioritizing respect over love also sets a powerful example for children: "You don’t have to love me deeply, but you must respect me—respect my way of life and my personal choices." Many of us have questioned traditional ideas of filial piety—whether in our own experiences or when observing the interactions between our friends and their elders. We may find ourselves asking, “Does it really have to be this way?” The boundaries around filial piety have often been unclear, leading many to struggle between exhaustion and guilt. But we can change this cycle. If we want a parent-child relationship built on mutual respect, we must start by shifting our mindset—taking full responsibility for our own lives, rather than expecting repayment from our children. When tensions arise between parents and children—when interactions repeatedly end in hurt, frustration, tears, or heated arguments—don’t forget to ask yourself: "Am I standing in the right position in this relationship?"

"Am I respecting my parents' (or child's) role and place in life?"

"Or have I unknowingly placed myself on equal footing with them?" Teacher Chou Ting Wen proposes five key shifts in perspective to restore the natural order of relationships:

1. Do not expect money from your children—always remain a giver.

2. Do not expect your children to make you happy—find joy on your own.

3. Do not expect your children to be your friends—be their unconditional supporter instead.

4. Do not expect your children to educate you—stay open and adaptable to change.

5. Do not expect your children to care for you—take responsibility for your own health.

Amazing Magazine, Issue 92, May 2015

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