What Can We Do When a Client Becomes Self-Centered During a Session?

Participant: What can we do if a client becomes self-centered during a session? Hellinger: Let me demonstrate. Place a chair over there, and I’ll sit opposite you. You sit down and act like the self-centered client... (Hellinger pretends to yawn, and everyone laughs.) Do you understand? Let me explain. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Your actions should mirror the client's behavior exactly. In hypnosis, we call this "parallel behavior". If the client starts crying, what is your instinctive reaction? You might want to comfort them. That would be a counter-reaction. But if you begin to cry yourself, what happens then? The client feels compelled to comfort you. This is parallel behavior. You don’t act in the way the client expects; instead, you match their behavior, allowing them to shift out of their stuck mindset. This approach is, of course, a refined art. If you practice it, enjoy it quietly in your mind—savor it while you’re doing it. That way, it becomes even more effective. However, you must always remain in control during this kind of parallel conversation.

Now, let me give you an example. A therapist once told me that his wife would scold him every night and constantly complain about the difficulties at work. Naturally, his reaction was to offer help and discuss solutions. So, we applied the parallel conversation technique. The next evening, when she started complaining again, he didn't suggest solutions. Instead, he listened and responded with something like, “Yes, it sounds like you’re really suffering.” She replied, “No, it’s not that bad.”

The key is not to contradict but to go along with what they say. If they say it’s terrible, you agree, “Yes, it’s terrible.” This way, they have no choice but to shift their perspective.

Extracted from “The Art of Helping – Bert Hellinger’s Family Constellation Workshop” DVD